I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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