I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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