I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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