Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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