Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
