Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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