She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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