We won't sleep together?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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