i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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