i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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