we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
