I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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