The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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