i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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