take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
