Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
