Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
