Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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