I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
