New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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