Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
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WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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