I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
