I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂