I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
