Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he fucked my hip out of place.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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