dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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