eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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