you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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