i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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