Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
