Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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