EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
