You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
