So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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