I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
