Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
