Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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