I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
