OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
