My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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