dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
