i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
