i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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