I'm pants shitting drunk right now
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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