respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
