My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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