no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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