life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
