She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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