A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
