The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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