On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
